Illinois does porn

From The Onion

SPRINGFIELD, IL—The State of Illinois acknowledged last week that in an effort to stay afloat during the worst financial crisis in its history, it had begun performing in adult films.

Officials said that since ending the 2010 fiscal year with a record $4.7 billion in unpaid bills, Illinois has been actively pursuing roles in sexually explicit direct-to-DVD features, but is only doing so until it can get back on its feet.

"I want to be perfectly clear on one thing," Quinn said. "Illinois does not do anal. I don't care how many times someone tells us that just one double-penetration scene will help keep the state's homeless shelters open for another winter or put an additional 150 state troopers on the road. There's a line we simply will not cross."

Added Quinn, "Well, I mean, it'd have to be a lot of money."